||[Nov. 10th, 2004|02:41 am]
November 5, 2004|
by: Bill Maher
And now it is time for our season's last New Rules.
All right. New Rule - you'll like this one, Andrew - if we want England's opinion, we'll dictate it to Tony Blair. "How can 59 million people be so dumb?" Gee, I don't know. How many of you voted for Prince Charles? Oh, right, I forgot. Zero. He got the job because his great-great-great-great-grandmother married the Duke of Brunswick in 1658. Sorry, but I can't take any country seriously where the bars close at eleven.
New Rule: Stop claiming you have an "agenda." It's not an agenda. It's a random collection of laws that your corporate donors paid you to pass. The American people were not clamoring for a cap on medical malpractice awards. If a surgeon leaves an Altoids box in my chest cavity, I want to see him in debtors' prison.
New Rule: Hey, now that you've won and you're safe, you have to tell us, what the hell was that thing on your back during the debate?
New Rule: Britney Spears has to perform with Justin Timberlake at next year's Super Bowl. I don't care what the FCC fine ends up costing. I'll pay it.
And speaking of that. [photo of Bush twins] New Rule: Hey, it's daddy's big day. Put on a bra. I mean, come on. You've got less support than Nader. And they call Kerry a flip-flopper.
New Rule: Kerry campaign manager Bob Schrum must switch careers. He is now 0-for-8 in presidential campaigns. The Washington Generals had a better record against the Globetrotters. Seriously, Bob, politics isn't the kind of business where you can have absolutely no proof of success and keep getting asked back. Or is it? [photo of George W. Bush] Hey, we lost! We deserve a few jokes.
And finally, New Rule: Stop saying that blue state people are out of touch with the values and morals of the red states. I'm not out of touch with them. I just don't share them. In fact, and I know this is about 140 years late, but to the Southern States, I would say, "Upon further consideration, you CAN go. I know that's what you've always wanted, and we've reconsidered. So go ahead. And take Texas with you."
You know what they say. If at first you don't secede, try, try again. And give my regards to President Charlie Daniels.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I almost forgot, this is the time of healing. The time when blue states and red states come together because we have so much to offer each other. "Spice Rack" meet "Gun Rack." "Picky about bottled water," say hello to "Drinks from a garden hose." "Bought an antique nightstand at an estate sale," meet "Uses a giant wooden spool he stole from the phone company as a coffee table."
Sorry, there I go again, kidding when I should be healing. Hey, say what you will about the Republicans, they do stand for something: Armageddon, but it's something. Democrats, on the other hand, have been coasting for years on Tom Daschle's charisma. But that's not enough anymore. Democrats will never win another election if they keep trying to siphon off votes from the Republicans. They will only win by creating a lot more Democrats. And you don't do that by trying to leach onto issues that you should be denouncing.
You wind up - you wind up in a goose-hunting outfit a week before the election--trying to appeal to guys who would sooner vote for the goose. Guys who even in down-to-earth, economically-ailing Ohio, thought blowjobs more important than job-jobs.
Hey, these folks aren't "undecideds." They're not in play. No, what the Democrats need are fresh, new ideas that are dumb and hateful enough to win these people over.
You know, stuff like, "No drinking on Christmas." Or how about a Constitutional Amendment protecting the song, "God Bless America"? I say, let's put a fetus on the dollar bill! With Reagan!
And you know what country has been asking for an ass-kicking in the worst way? Finland. Yes, Democrats need a really, really stupid, meaningless and utterly symbolic issue. And by issue, of course, I mean, thing to hate.
How about this? An amendment that says people with gerbils are threatening the sanctity of pet ownership--and that from now on, pet owning will be defined only as the relationship between a person and his cat or dog.
Now, my opponent may disagree. That's because he's a fag.
So, Democrats - Democrats and liberals, stop saying you're going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. Trust me, you can't get away from Bush by moving to France. Because that's where we're invading next.